My life as told by ME!

its amazing how one day can change ur mood or feelings. i woke up at 20 past 6 this morning, feeling like i just got hit by truck load of bricks. i still have the sniffles, which developed a week ago, it felt good to get under the shower. then i felt really energized and motivated. i felt like the world was my canvas, n i, i was the artist!!

yesterday, i had a good talk with my mom n dad, sadly, it was awkward with my sister. stijn was angry at me cos i didnt reconcile with my sister about something we had argued about. stijn said he didnt understand why, despite knowing i love my sister, that i just didnt forgive n forget. then, it became a subject about my … hmm… how did he put it… unforgiveability? the inability to forgive? well, this is something i didnt tell him at the time, but now as i think more about it, its cos i expect so much from ppl that i count on, the ppl that i love n especially the ppl that says that they love me. anyhow, what i meant to say was, i didnt feel like a million dollars when i finally got to bed last night, i was tossing n turning, cursing stijn under my breath at every single moment i thought about the thoughts he envoked in me. but… then i fell asleep.

then, today, its a whole different thing… i woke up, feeling energized, feeling a whole world different to what i felt when i went to sleep. that to me, is amazing. maybe its cos its sunday.

when i was still in high school, i used to hate sundays cos sundays are my busiest day. i had to do oh so much. i had to iron all of my week’s school uniforms, my brother’s and my sister’s, my father work shirts and some of my mother’s clothes as well. then, i had to do the homework that i was supposed to do last friday, or thursday or so on. then, do the laundry, clean my school shoes and help mom make lunch and dinner(sometimes i do it myself- cos mom would be busy) then go to church!!!! wow!! i was a busy little bee then wasnt i?

but today, i feel sunday’s not too bad… i put in some hours at work, so i’ll get paid this friday. got home, did some cleaning n then went in to the city to meet up with stijn in uni. he has a group meeting today, which is why m here writing this, cos i got time to kill.

a few months ago, i was obsessed with the fact that i have gained about 13kgs over the two years since leaving kuching. i was very angry at myself for most part of it but that only threw me into a spiral of events where i just stuffed more food, JUNK food into my mouth, non-nourishing food into my body. i felt really low but i then recognised that i was feeling bad when i found out, well, not found out but more to the moment where i actually realiased that i had gained all that weight. i knew i had to do something and i thought ( and drove stijn to insanity) with the projects, the "PLAN" to loose as much weight as possible.

as many would agree, the "PLAN" always goes down the tube after a while and you’re left with as much weight you started with, not loosing anything at all. i had it all down-packed, healthy eating (no more kfc, high fat food, chocolates, ice-cream etc), got some running gear, and even an ab roller. after much trying, the process only saw me loosing about two kgs. i was beside myself with more anger. what else i could have done to loose these unwanted kgs, i asked this to myself over and over. i was so sure that i would loose this weight and get back into my normal, healthy self.

then i started researching, at first to find things that i should have done better, this time around but after a while, i thought that i lost so much time and i want a miracle cure, something that would just suck all my excess fat out of my life forever!i thought of surgery, but god no! i said, if i resolved to that, its just not natural, getting another human being to solve my problems. but still, i wanted to get a miracle cure to just make my miserable fat out of my body. then i encountered this website about the pro-ana… i thought to myself, yes, i’ve heard about these sites, they were websites designed for and by anorexics or bulimics to share ideas, emotions and goals to support each other to loose their weight.

at first, i tried to explore the site out of curiousity, even maybe, get some pointers, since you know, they are all thin.

oh, my friends, what i saw, what i read, nothing could have prepared me for that. i was appalled, shocked, totally and completely flabbergasted by this site. our whole world, our nation has been bombarded by ideas of beauty and glamour by being completely emanciated?

this is a picture i uploaded to show all of u, what these group of ppl felt was beautiful, perfect and a dream that they want to live with. its amazing because one 16 yo girl said that she wanted to look like a hollywood celebrity, be that beautiful and that skinny but she could not see that happening eventhough she tipped the scales at 30kgs less than this celeb. these girls, looked pale, pasty, their hair limp and lack of body or even life. their eyes looked like they haf lost their soul, their youth.

then, i thought to myself, i even had ideas to do anything and everything to be skinny, to look like the people i saw and deem as beautiful, with perfect bodies and hair… the list goes on. i realised that i was in the brink of doing anything i could to be skinny, not eating, purging, anything…. i felt embarassed, because i was in that site, judging, persecuting these girls for actually putting into action in an extreme way of how i felt.

how did this come to be? why did i want to be skinny? it was the clothes, the clothes that i desperately want to look ‘good’ in… ‘good’ as quoted because the way we look now is so much controlled by other people. i remember the number of times that i thought i would look ‘good’ in a pretty dress or top but the minute i look into the mirror, i felt a rush of guilt and disgust. why? i keep asking myself why? why don’t i just be happy with my body? just as long that i’m not unhealthily, morbidly obese (medically that is, using the body mass idex as a scale to measure the healthy range according to height and weight), i should embrace my body, to be more open with my body image. i don’t have to be kate moss or kate bosworth, i am just rachel. i am not saying that i won’t sometimes feel that i should be something that i obviously am not, but i am saying that i will try to think in a different way.

anyway, i want to take this opportunity to create awareness to other people in the world, to make them know that anorexia or bulimia is not a cool trend, not glamourous, it is a debilitating disease, affecting both women and men. know that, the mortality rate of this disease is real, this disease kills! people suffering from eating disorders will starve their bodies of nourishment, kill themselves in the cellular levels first, slowly but very surely. they will first starve their cells, leading to them loosing their hair, resulting in their skin being grossly dry, scaly and blotchy. then, their heart will take a toll and just stop working one day. that’s right, just stop working because the heart is a muscle, the muscle needs constant nourishment to work hard at pumping blood to the whole body. its like when you stop putting oil in the tank of your car, it will just stop working, PERIOD!
                                                                                                                                                                                             

it is officially exam fever for me and me mates in uni now. everyones cranky and the smart ones (or the show offs) are getting really annoying now. when we are in tutorials they would not give us any chance to give answers to the scenarios given by the tutors. they annoy me greatly cos m so used to getting things out of my head and hear wut i haf to say to actually remember about things. jeez… m really scared this year cos everything is so overwhelming, m actually studying more than i haf ever done in the recent years and i feel as if m getting no where.

anyway, jus wanted to update on my life now. m working to take the burden off my parents now n i feel as if m more independant of them except for the fact that i need them to pay for my tution fees. i cant wait to finish studying n jus work for a while n maybe, who knows, maybe go back studying again. i love studying but i think its a little bit monotous now. i need a change in my life n m so tempted to go chop all my hair off today eventhough stijn has told me that if i do it he will not be a happy chappy. about that, this guy is the funniest being ever, he practically lets me do anything i basically want (which doesnt usually clashes wif wut he wants) but when it comes to my hair, he is as protective of it as my parents were. if any of u girls from high school remember, i often complain about my parents obsession for me to keep my hair as long and uncut as possible. 

anyway, stijn is a sweetheart. i love him but i dunno why he is the most irritating person to talk to sometimes, he reckons that m mean to him. thats true, i m sometimes mean to him for no apparent reason but i m a girl n thats wut girls do rite? rite?

as usual i gotta go immediately cos my parking was due 30mins ago n if memory serves me rite, the parking person will be checking my car in a few mins so m gonna run my heart out now to avoid a parking ticket………..

m in uni again today n i haf been writing to baini about some really important stuff. i wish i could just talk to all of my close frens face to face again some times. today, i had a good time wif michelle (a gal i became close frens wif since my clinical placement) and her fren diana. it was really funny cos diana, michelle n i has a mutual hatred for this real skanky, bitchy, sex-crazed gal (good news to the guys i guess~!) and we made seriously great jokes about her… "free entry HOLE" lol… it was funny… i dont trust that anyone could understand it.

anyway, we got tired wif making jokes about this gal and we decided to visit the neighbouring uni(uni of adelaide)’s unibar. i mean, they really do have a bar in the premises of the uni, sells liquour, beer and even have pool tables, video machines.. etc. anyway, we wanted to pretend that we belonged to the uni, so since i was the only one who has never been there so we voted that i would be the "student" of that uni… but guess wut, its not just any regular student, i was supposed to be a med-student. it was hell funny cos, everyone who was there was a regular n everybody was looking at us like… wut the..????

diana’s bro goes to uni of adelaide and he asked wut we were doing there n she said that i was a med-student and i just wanted to relax and unwind. he n his frens asked me about so many things…. which i lied thru my teeth. thank god that i m a nursing student, other wise, things would have been very ugly!!!!

rite then, i think i just had heaps of fun with them today, it was almost like having baini, rico or farrah around to make stupid jokes and stupid bets!!! i remember the time when we cut farrah’s hair, god, it looked so horrible but we managed to convince her that it was such a great haircut. lol

i was just thinking how frens would remain or just not. i guess everything needs effort. if one person gives an effort and the other party does not gif a rat’s ass then its just not worth it. i guess its like that wif every single type of relationship, be it romantic or platonic… even relationships wif family takes effort. like i started this blog entry with, is it a melancholie day or is just so damned good…? i guess its pretty much both for me, sometimes i think i cant write everything in just one entry, so i get impatient and not write at all. but its fun once and awhile.

gotta go now n get my work cracking. probably have a break a bit later and write again. not promising though….

so, its a another day… woke up at 0630 today like always, talked to stijn on the phone for about an hour. he has been annoying me lots lately, he seems to think that m a drama queen, like thats true.. ;P

well, i know that m a drama queen and i know that is one of the reason why he loves me. i dun care, m changin, ppl love me the way i overeact, the way i exaggerate my problems and oh.. the pain of being a drama queen. well, i just say how i feel and everybody knows that m not ashamed of the fact that ppl could read my feelings like a book cos i wear em on my sleeve. i know m supposed to do my uni work rite now but i jus need to chill for awhile. been really busy these past few weeks. its been crazy cos this sem has been one assignment or presentation after another. oh well!!!

anyway, i was reading baini’s blog n i love the fact that she makes me giggle to hysterics and ppl look at me like m nuts. wut else is new wif life this sem? m getting a job cos i haf to start supporting myself, i jus wanna lessen the burden a bit cos by next year i wanna b totally independent of my parents. yeah, that is my resolution next year. stijn n i, we r moving in this dec, m so excited, m coming back wif him this chrissie too. i cant wait to be back this year. everything seems to be falling into place this sem. i really feel happy and satisfied, really great cos its time to fly away from the nest completely…. i mean, i love my parents for all the sacrifices they make for me but i want to live this life completely without being dependant on mom.

i cant wait, look out world… rachel’s gonna blow ur mind!!!!!! wooohoooo!!!

hey peeps… its about 7 hours since i landed in tokyo… been trying to figure out lots of things here.. u know.. how to work the phone, find out wether english is commonly used by the shopkeepers or other facilities available for free… yes, as a student, free is a magic word.. want me to actively participate in anything.. mention something wif "FREE"

m chatting wif stijn rite now through the free internet service they got here. i couldnt call my family cos the cost is too freaking high but my babe said that my mom is worried.. i find that so cute.. she is my mom after all, she is designed to worry about her offsprings… i love her though, she is a tough lady. she really changed these past few years while i haf been away. i mean, i could really talk to her when i do, not just idle chatter, but real talk u know. m happy wif my relationship wif my mom rite now. i miss her cooking though.

i m refusing to do anything but relax n roam around until i get hungry or something… oh yeah… did i mention that i found the weirdest thing here in the terminal… a shower room, is it for free?? oh no its not.. i have to pay ￥500 for 30 mins of use… and get this, i can also get a bed, a tiny bed for me to sleep on for an hour or more for ￥1000 for the first hour and ￥500 for the next consecutive hours that i use it. its kinda strange that they take comfort as a huge thing here as oppossed to other facilities, they even haf massage booths… wif real japanese women to massage you. well, i decided against the bed for rent deal and opted for a slightly comfortable chair/couch instead… with the help of the small pillow n the tiny, thin blanket i "stole" (u know u r allowed to take them wif u if u wanted, i didnt hide the fact that i took them)

anyway, the boarding time is now in an hour cos i spent some time talking to my baby sister and my hunny… so now it is time to say goodbye… once again. i know that i havent written much but till next time i guess…

dearest friends of mine, if you’re reading this, know that i feel so terrible for not keeping in real contact wif all of you guys. i just want all of guys know that i miss you all and i love you all. you guys know who you are. i haf been busy and been travelling here and there, really haf no time for myself sometimes. i will be going back to good ol adelaide soon, going back to finish studying. cant wait to be done wif it. stijn is going on great wif his new job, he is as charming and gorgeous as always. he is amazing, so generous, kind and so loving. not to mention patient in every single way. i love him so much, as much or even more than ever now. he is a real blessing.

to my mom, dad and the rest of the family, i miss them so much too. ugghh… sometimes i wish i was home and just hug n kiss everyone again. oh well, another time i guess. mmmm… getting too emotional pulak!! rite better get off now before i depress the whole world. mmmmmmmuah to all

life is good as of now, m in my hunny’s arms but i haf to say that i do feel bad about not coming home for christmass this year. everyone has been emailing me n i feel bad that i cud not spend more time wif my sister. i really wanted to gif her the gifts i had bought for her n i miss her so much. anyway, stijn has gone to work n i jus finished unpacking. i think now that i haf more time in my hands i will set up a plan for me to get ready for next year. next year is a very important year for me n i will not screw it up.

i think i will also be very bored to the point that i will be writing in the blog very often as of today. i dont care if no body reads it, its for me to write anything that i please. i dont think anyone really reads anyone else’s blogs to be honest. these are jus my feelings n thoughts. i m open n i do want to get things out of my boxed up little head.

yeah, i think thats all for now. i want to see if stijn’s mom wanted to go walk the dog yet. heheheh

hey y’all,

i cant wait to finish my work n jus relax until i can get my a** into that plane to japan. hahaha… cant wait to get there cos after that i can see my baby. i miss him so much now but i must say that this time was the shortest time that we had spent away, still miss him so much though. guess wut frens, those who knows me so very well knows that i do not know how to swim and stijn’s mom has booked me into private lessons for swimming, hopefully i will be swimming by the time i get back to aussie… then i can go to the aquatic center and actually swim and not jus waddle around like a little porker!!

anyway, m not coming home to kuching this christmas, kinda sad about that. stijn n i was supposed to fly back to kuching and celebrate it wif my family but he’s got this new "important" job and he can’t get enough time away, besides, we booked the tickets too late anyway. the price for the off season tickets were too obscene to even mention.

wut else is new?

i guess nothing much. my life is pretty boring rite now cos i haf to finish this year n go for our 3 months vacation, FINALLY! i cant wait. i need to get away for awhile.

oh wutever, m jus procrastinating rite now. lord… ok, i gotta move me a** into work! c ya laters!!!

i know that i havent been writing for so long… i jus didnt feel the need to i guess. life is jus as boring n routine as ever, wifout stijn, everything jus seems so boring. wif him around, we make jokes n play around n jus hang in each others’ presence. i miss him so much, he has been working hard to get enuf money for us to spend christmas together in kuching. poor baby, i miss him so much lahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway, not that i dont do anything else besides missing my other half, i have been extremely busy. i had tonnes of work to be done in a time frame, everything to be checked and worked out… things didnt seem to die down up till i haf to go to my work placement. two weeks of blissfully working hands on n none of the theory bullshit n no essay or report to write, but now, it has started again. we haf to finish our report and assesment of our work experience before the week is done. i had to do, wut i think is the most painful part of work experience, ask my superior to write an evaluation to the amount of work that i do n how competent i am. i hate it when ppl judge me, i dunno, i know that i did a good job but there is always that nagging feeling that m still very incompetent. i wonder when i will stop feeling this way. up till now i haf not seen anyone die on me just yet, but today, a client died. it was kind of a shock bcos she was all rite when i last saw her but, apparently she fell during the nite n had internal bleeding. poor woman, she was getting comfortable too but i guess now, she doesnt haf to suffer anymore.

i must admit that this time, work placement is more fun, i haf found new friends n to tell everyone the truth, i gave up finding a close fren in the same course anymore cos everyone is so damned ‘kiasu’. anyway, all the girls were great this time around n i sincerely hope that we would keep in contact when we haf to start uni again. i really dunno how m gonna feel upon leaving this week. i guess, i always feel this way. as our facilitator said, we always feel sad leaving n we promise the residents that we would come back to visit, but we all know that we wont. i remember saying the very same words to the previous peeps i cared for, but i have not went back to see them.

i know that it seems crude, as i type it i feel so cruel n such a liar but i think it is a survival necesscity, we haf to maintain professionallism, it will prove usefull to our feelings in the future. its not that i haf not come to love my residents, jus haf to dissassociate sometimes. oh well, i jus feel melancholie rite now… stressed out cos i haf to do a case study evaluation on a patient in front of ppl. god, m sweating my pants off… nervous lahhh…

anyway, gotta go home n haf some dinner. way tired n jus wanna relax… put some candles, incense, music n haf a long hot shower. ahhhhhhhhhhhh… great. i cant wait. bye peeps… oh yeah, happy puasa to all my muslim frens, dun skip any ok!!!??? u know who i mean…lol